msconduct

1. Only two-thirds of the audience will arrive before the posted start time. The first ten minutes of the film will be punctuated by shuffling, muttering and the flashing of torches.

2. The film whose running time you've carefully calculated to allow ten minutes afterwards to run to the next screening venue will turn out to be preceded by an incomprehensible fifteen-minute short from Estonia.

3. An independent film written, produced and directed by one person will either be a work of staggering originality or a pile of self-indulgent wank. There is no way to tell in advance which one it will be.

4. Film-makers flown to the Festival to make interesting comments on their films will instead reel off a list of pointless and tedious thanks as if they've mistaken the Civic for the Oscars.

5. Every animation programme will contain one protracted animation of a squiggly line that makes the audience beg for death.

6. Every politically-oriented documentary must by law contain a cameo by Michael Moore.