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The Doctor Is In
Feb. 7th, 2008 05:45 pmHow much is spent on medical research in a year? Millions? Billions? That's all very well. Won't somebody please think of the clothes?
It's obvious - obvious - that clothes have a range of diseases, all of which currently go tragically untreated. To wit:
1. Drawer atrophy One of the most pernicious diseases, drawer atrophy is also one of the most common. An as yet undiscovered alchemical reaction between drawer and garment over the garment's off-season results in the garment, once removed from the drawer, being much smaller than the wearer remembers. The variant wardrobe atrophy is, alas, no less severe. The disease has as yet been unresponsive to treatment.
2. Winter depression It is considered by some that mental conditions are less concerning than physical ones, but winter depression decidedly gives this position the lie. In its most common form, winter clothing, remembered by the wearer as flattering and sprightly, turns out when unpacked at the onset of the cold season instead to be terminally droopy and/or baggy. In some cases, a dermatalogical reaction to the depression also occurs, resulting in unsightly pilling. There is, again, no cure for this disease. Swift euthanasia is the kindest option.
3. Summer cancer One of the most shocking of all clothes diseases, this disease affects the DNA of summer clothing. As a result, summer clothes packed away in good health at the end of the season are discovered the following year to have mutated into cleaning rags. As ever, no cure exists, but at least this new permutation allows the clothing to live out a useful and productive life.
4. Trend exhaustion More common in female clothing, this occurs when over the off-season a garment previously the toast of the catwalk gradually transmogrifies until when unpacked it is unwearably unfashionable. Trend exhaustion can be observed in its most aggressive form in the clothing of anyone with a subscription to Vogue.
From the above, it can be observed that the majority of clothing diseases occur while the clothes are dormant. There are, however, many others which afflict clothing while in its active state:
5. Button pattern baldness In this condition, clothes whose fastenings are on the hanger firmly attached shed buttons during the course of being worn. This is an entirely silent and delicate process undetectable by the wearer, and since the wearer has never kept the little button packet once symbiotic with the garment, it is invariably fatal. In a particularly virulent variant, clothes which have their full complement of buttons when hung up have when removed from the hanger mysteriously lost at least one.
6. Dermatological distress In this disease, a garment which starts the day in perfect dermatological condition develops during its active state one or more embarrassing discolourations. This may be, perhaps, the saddest of all clothing diseases, in that the more innocent and virginal the garment, the higher the likelihood of disease onset.
Good clothing health: today a dream, but together, we can make it a reality. When our collector calls, please give all you can.
It's obvious - obvious - that clothes have a range of diseases, all of which currently go tragically untreated. To wit:
1. Drawer atrophy One of the most pernicious diseases, drawer atrophy is also one of the most common. An as yet undiscovered alchemical reaction between drawer and garment over the garment's off-season results in the garment, once removed from the drawer, being much smaller than the wearer remembers. The variant wardrobe atrophy is, alas, no less severe. The disease has as yet been unresponsive to treatment.
2. Winter depression It is considered by some that mental conditions are less concerning than physical ones, but winter depression decidedly gives this position the lie. In its most common form, winter clothing, remembered by the wearer as flattering and sprightly, turns out when unpacked at the onset of the cold season instead to be terminally droopy and/or baggy. In some cases, a dermatalogical reaction to the depression also occurs, resulting in unsightly pilling. There is, again, no cure for this disease. Swift euthanasia is the kindest option.
3. Summer cancer One of the most shocking of all clothes diseases, this disease affects the DNA of summer clothing. As a result, summer clothes packed away in good health at the end of the season are discovered the following year to have mutated into cleaning rags. As ever, no cure exists, but at least this new permutation allows the clothing to live out a useful and productive life.
4. Trend exhaustion More common in female clothing, this occurs when over the off-season a garment previously the toast of the catwalk gradually transmogrifies until when unpacked it is unwearably unfashionable. Trend exhaustion can be observed in its most aggressive form in the clothing of anyone with a subscription to Vogue.
From the above, it can be observed that the majority of clothing diseases occur while the clothes are dormant. There are, however, many others which afflict clothing while in its active state:
5. Button pattern baldness In this condition, clothes whose fastenings are on the hanger firmly attached shed buttons during the course of being worn. This is an entirely silent and delicate process undetectable by the wearer, and since the wearer has never kept the little button packet once symbiotic with the garment, it is invariably fatal. In a particularly virulent variant, clothes which have their full complement of buttons when hung up have when removed from the hanger mysteriously lost at least one.
6. Dermatological distress In this disease, a garment which starts the day in perfect dermatological condition develops during its active state one or more embarrassing discolourations. This may be, perhaps, the saddest of all clothing diseases, in that the more innocent and virginal the garment, the higher the likelihood of disease onset.
Good clothing health: today a dream, but together, we can make it a reality. When our collector calls, please give all you can.
