The 30-Second Bluffer's Guide To Return Of The King

Hey, it's nearly three and a half hours long. You might want to spare your bum and your bladder. So here's all you need to know:

FRODO: Man, it's been three years! Aren't we in Mordor yet?

* * *

FARAMIR: Excuse me! Not dead yet!

DENETHOR: Shut up and lie down. Now, where'd I put the matches?

* * *

ENTRY OF EVIL HEFFALUMPS, FOLLOWED BY A NAZGUL

EOWYN: Ha ha! Missed!

EOWYN PRODS NAZGUL WITH HER SWORD

EOWYN: See, you're not so tough. You're just a balloon.

* * *

ENTRY OF DEAD WARRIORS

EVIL HORDES: Ooh. Bugger.

* * *

GOLLUM: Give me the Ring, fuzzyfeet!

FRODO: Bite me.

GOLLUM BITES HIM.


THE END