A Modest Proposal

Pleated-front trousers. Ugh. Not only out of date, but wildly unflattering: they'd make the Chippendales look as if they had beer guts. (And we all know how the laydeez like a flat stomach, since that's the only explanation for the career of Peter Andre.) Yet despite the towering weight of evidence against them, every single New Zealand male seems to insist on wearing little folds of material south of the waistband.

I propose we burn them all. They'd keep the national grid going for at least three months. Now that's what I call alternative energy.